Context..

Today we had A Day Off.

We slept more, ate poached eggs for lunch, watched a dvd all arvo, held hands and ignored all business matters.  The list of missed calls/texts on my phone was ridiculous. Who is BLOCKED and why won't he/she leave a message?

It can wait.  If whatever 'it' is doesn't require more calls or at least a message, I don't care (today).

I had a LAVISH shower very late (lavish = more than 3 mins and more than a basic soap sluice.  Unguents were carefully chosen and applied with abandon. Slathering and lathering is excellent physio btw.  Choosing which pretty tube to try next was adolescently exciting!!).  Felt great.  Smelt great.  I roold for a bit after that!

Went to pick up Persian casserole from me ma (chicken with prunes, pomegranate seeds and much pilaf-y goodness).  Collected Custard Cremes on special and some weird fig/chocolate/lemon icecream to try.

We had a nice time watching the Svensk police show, set in Ystad (southern Sweden) where we've been. Some of the town scenes show streets and the central city square we remember very clearly.  Nice.  One part of the episode had some mild swearing in it but we can't quite catch the word for 'shit'.  I like using such words from other languages but don't know nearly enough of them...

[M refused to teach me any bad words in Mandarin, when we lived in China.  I think he felt my command of anglo-saxon creative cursing would keep me going.. one day we were wobbling along on Beijing bikes (old, rickety and we didn't know the road rules) and M hit a bump.  He let fly with an 'Oh f@%k!!". A group of young men watching us pass laughed and called after us 'Oh ffaaaar!! oh ffaaarr!' until we got out of range.  I giggled a lot.  M was not impressed.  He still wouldn't tell me how to respond in kind.  Later that day *I* was given a sheet of printed info but not him, as we drove around the district.  He translated THAT for me, it was a natural cure for impotence.  I'm still laughing at that one!]

Later a check of FBook shows that some people have had a very different kind of day.  One dear friend has a kitty very short of life chances.  The great purple kitty cushion next to the great kitty bowl of sardines and cream is looming.. poor baby.  I want to visit him soon so he can play in my car and give me a good old fat-faced purry rub before he floats off to his ultimate kitty-cloud.

Another friend saw her child hit (no, not serious in physical damage) by a car and is naturally dreadfully shaken.  The child has a bruised nose and seems fine.  Poor mama (and no doubt papa and many close family and friends) have all had a mortality check today.  These things just happen in a split second in time, and the 'nearly but not quite' situations we've all been in will be very stirred up for a while.  This friend hesitated to fulfill her desire to go back to skul to hug her elflet: the need for reassurance and connection is so strong.  Just as with the msgs of sadness for dear sick kitty, the shock and sympathy for a possibly very nasty outcome for the elflet is our own need to integrate compassion and a sense of 'you are not alone' into our words of comfort.

A newly-found skul-mate is struggling with periods of loss of sense of humour, as (I assume) various irks and anxieties loom at her.  She's living alone and that can be a challenge at times when you have to try to comfort/encourage/support yourself.  I just hope she's got a 6 pack of her favourite tipple and a reeeaallly big glass and will read the silly message I sent earlier.

It's very very interesting to be meeting old skul mates after 35 years of no contact.  I remember many things with crystal clarity; the downside is the rest I seem to have totally forgotten. But since I've grown up in the meantime (in age if nothing else) I can follow where people are at, a bit better.  This pal seems to be living a similar life to mine (in the ten years 'between husbands' period).  During this time I achieved a huge amount of personal insight, experience, confidence and achievement, and also learnt a bit about being alone and trying to find motivation from within, when having a partner or parent or someone loving to hand wasn't possible.  I think this pal is such a honey and I wish we could find more time to fill in all those years of life that passed by..

I hope tonight all familys concerned (and all of you out there who may need a psychic bandaid of some kind, or may be fragile for any number of reasons) will accept a big cyber-squish from me. One of those hugs where you nuzzle hair, squish boobs/feel all the stuff in a bloke's shirt pocket, and stand on tip-toe to make the most of the close contact to send your message of love and caring.  I'm imagining a circle of dear ones surrounding the kitty/kiddy families, and sort of dancing gently around them all until the affection overcomes the sadness and the shock.

And there should be a bunch of old skul farts mooching around at my pal's place, feeling awkward about PDAs but meaning well.  Someone just put on a Peter Framptom record for us and soon we'll all be holding onto someone and dancing around.  Laughing at our funny out-of-date music. We'll (c)rock-on to Living In The 70s and feel our ancient oats one more time.

Tomorrow is Facing Up To Business Day.  I am fortifying myself with red socks, the daggy hairband hairdo, and the promise of Saturday to come within 24 hours.  Big Brekky day!

I'm rambling a bit.  Never mind.  Better than doing housework, wrangling lists or gargling pain tabs as I often do at this time of day.  In fact.. what was that about icecream?  Maybe I should try it with a sleepy-time nip of bourbon on top.  Purely medicinal I assure you.

Reflecting on enough..

Hi there neglected bloggie, how are you under all that dust???

We're still here. We 'celebrated' eleven months to the day since M's accident on Tuesday. Eleven months! How wonderful, WONDERFUL, it is not to know the future. I can't tell you how I've managed it, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted to know, at the beginning, that this could be the reality.

Times have been very shaky. My M has had physical, emotional and psychological challenges which have stripped him of independence, flesh, ability, dignity and strength. He's been back to ICU twice, with dangerous collapses and arrests. I've had to have the 'how much cardiac resuscitation does the family want?' conversation several times. I've had a long visit home, during which I did nothing but grieve for 18 of my precious 21 days. The last three days I spent in wonder, looking at the exploding garden - the drought has well and truly broken! The roses are magnificent and I so enjoyed taking a huge bunch of them back to the ward. They lasted nearly 9 days and were a wonder to behold in so many ways. ENOUGH.

I have had a trough of sadness lately, to dig through my thoughts and feelings and try to find something to feel optimistic about. But today, as I schlepped through the mall, again, trying to remember why I'd gone there, again, and not just because of christmas, I suddenly thought this: enough. Enough of worry and uncertainty and helplessness and insomnia and broken plans and sad faces. And spending, and thinking about christmas, and what's for dinner and why won't the last noisy pub patrons go HOME so I can get some sleep (if you value your quiet nights, don't live in a pub!).. enough. I can do this. M has no choice; he is suffering very badly from such a very long and fraught hospital stay and he keeps going. Not as sweetly as usual, but he does it. Day after day. And, somehow, so do I. ENOUGH.

I don't have to cook, clean, garden, change the cat box, deal with doorknockers, ring the plumber, put the bins out or do anything much for anyone unless I feel like it. The expectations others have of me are very simple - stay standing and keep writing. Come home when I can. ENOUGH.

A large chunk of my extended family visited us this afternoon, and we all sat in the ward courtyard and sang carols.. with kids wearing blinking Rudolph noses, other patients wheeling around, and the breeze cooling us in the humidity. Spontaneous; simple; ENOUGH.

Tonight my step-daughter and I shopped for some extra food to take into M tomorrow. And what a delight to IGNORE christmas foods and plans and must-haves, and realise that all we wanted was the makings of a fairly simple picnic, largely from the deli and fresh food sections. A quick bottle of bubbles and some plastic champagne glasses. ENOUGH.

We will stay with M til we are sated with unwrappings and the humour of what the hospital will serve for lunch. We will do his washing even though 'it's christmas' (we still need clean jox, right?). We will share our goodies and sing together for whoever is around. We will nap in his room after the sun makes us sleepy, and later the two of us will go to the beach to lie and sigh on the sand until we have had... enough.

And on Sunday, the world will begin to turn again, and all the things we usually do that didn't happen won't matter, and all the new things we did will, and I for one will continue to feel so very lucky in my family and friends. Because this year, if nothing else, I have learned that when it comes to love, there is always ENOUGH. It doesn't run dry, go away or leave you dangling. It doesn't criticise or restrict you. Love in all small and large ways, is how we roll from one day to the next, cradled in the concern and hopes and wishes of loving people.

ENOUGH.

...

except... I DID buy some more perfume. Vivienne Westwood 'Let It Rock'. Indeed!

Cardie unravelling...

..our poor boy Maccy (seen here in his famous old black cardie pose) is most unwell. He picked up quickly from being irradiated with an iodine isotope (to kill the cancer causing his hyperthyroidism). He was frisky, hungry and oh so purry. Suddenly last Thursday he started going quiet, going off his food, being very sooky. We knew he was unwell but on the advice of St Libby, his personal veterinarian, we kept him in on the weekend and watched him closely. I was tempting him with bits of mush and sips of nice shower-bucket water, and lots and lots of cuddles. And watching him visibly lose weight, and go all scruffy, and want to sleep ON us not near us...

Today off to the vet. He has a high temp, a mass in his abdomen which wasn't clearly identified by an xray this afternoon. He's staying overnight on a drip for antibiotics, and having a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow to try to find out if it's a mangled kidney, a tumour, a mass of unmoving /ahem/ in the lower intestine, or what.

The vet was very worried, so we are too. After the consultation I distracted myself with three big crosswords, but my trip for a general checkup at my gp was a bit of a muddle, cos I coudn't concentrate on people things. Doc helped me by reading out my (extensive) list of meds so I could try to remember what I might need. I was tempted to say 'just give me a script for all of it' but that would be bloody expensive, apart from anything else! Anyway, I'm fine for now. As long as I have the little pink pill twice a day, I'm essentially ok apart from those dang sinuses playing up.

Please cross your paws and plait your whiskers in hope that darling Maccy gets very better very soon. Today brought to you by eau de puss, a lovely furry earthy smell unlike any other.