A thoughtful series of remarks..

I'm lucky to have a good friend (let's name this friend Sam), who shares (mostly in a very amusing way) stories of the dysfunctional family Sam belongs to.  Sam's experience is that although immediate family members are still alive, they are not loving or respectful. But they still make it clear what Sam's role is in their construct of what 'family' needs to mean and what therefore can be asked or demanded or assumed from Sam as part of the family unit. Apart from my emotional reaction to this situation, it raises all sorts of issues about what 'belonging' means, and the strength (and therefore amount of love and pain) that these ties can engender.

We all want to feel we are part of a greater social whole. Our social world begins with our immediate family (usually) and grows out from there, through friends and school and extended family and work etc etc. Usually. But what about our expectations?  They tend to grow along with what we witness and experience.  So if you come from a loving family and having loving people around you in your greater world, you learn to expect that those people will, in the main, treat you kindly.  Will listen, and care about what you say, and generally interact with you as an equal.  There will be times when this isn't so, but these situations will be resolved without huge emotional stresses or 'deal-breaking' situations.  You are in essence able to be fairly certain of your foundations.

But what happens when your starting point, your immediate family members, have a different way of operating? If their emotional makeup is flawed or skewed or a result of their earlier life experience causing scars?  If somehow their model has been flawed and they're not able to pass on the loving, accepting model because they haven't experienced it?  Or if, say, they are not insightful, reflective people, or emotionally responsible people, or even people who don't much care what impact they have on others, and whose ideas and feelings don't get scrutinised?  We can't all have the good fortune of strong emotional foundations and positive life experience and the inner strength and wisdom to find our way.

My point is that we learn from what we know, and if what we know is something that causes us pain or frustration or anger or something deeply disturbing in some way, what are we to do with it?  Our own emotional evolution is something we can choose to think about and perhaps explore and modify.  If, say, we are filled with guilt and paralysed by this guilt, we can seek ways to examine the guilt and try to find a more emotionally effective way to live with ourselves.  We can make choices about what we choose to carry as emotional baggage, and what we want to make peace with, and even what we want to leave alone because it's part of what makes us feel vulnerable.

When we turn to our family to help us, or accept us, or respect us as equal in emotional status, we are putting our selves in a position of some kind of need.  And if those family members are not able to accept or meet this need, we're in a very vulnerable position indeed.  Being needy and asking for help is admitting that there's something we can't do, can't manage, or can't understand.  Expecting those close to us to treat this with respect and not exploit this vulnerability can be a gamble.  If your experience is that admitting neediness is probably going to lead to a situation where you are ignored, exploited, ridiculed or made to feel you are 'lesser' somehow, what does this teach you?

I think you learn, very quickly, to keep your needs out of the equation.  If 'belonging' is something you need to feel, you have to change your expectations and understand that you won't get the acceptance and respect you feel you deserve.  This is insidious stuff, and in my view can lead to crippling outbreaks of anxiety, feelings of abandonment and low self-esteem.  Because if your family doesn't accept you as you are, where do you turn?  Many people learn that close friends are safer, more reliable and stronger emotional relationships to participate in.  Friends we can choose.  Friends can be that unconditional accepting emotional model we all want to participate in.

Sam is caught in a very unpleasant place - wanting both to cut ties and to feel that Sam can belong  as the person Sam is.  There is much to lose by choosing either position, and it doesn't surprise me at all that Sam can't choose.

In my own explorations of these kind of emotional ties and expectations within the family, I frequently forget that what *I* feel is generally understood; but it may not be the case for all the others.  I am as capable as the next person of thinking it's all about me, and forgetting that the others, as close to them as I feel, might have other priorities and other emotional pulls on their resources.  I make lots of mistakes but I believe that I at least try to start from a loving, accepting point of view.

It hurts a lot when things don't pan out, and somehow I or we or they end up stumbling over false expectations or simply wrong ideas and assumptions.  Like everyone else, I want to belong, and to participate, and to feel that my 'stuff' gets equal time.  When it goes wrong, it's awful.  Because in loving and respecting my family members, and believing as strongly as I do that we all need our space to stuff it up, sometimes I expect too much or assume the wrong thing or simply get overwhelmed by what's going with me and not be able to see past it.

This is perhaps an apology as much as it is an exploration.  Because it's better to learn from a mistake than to just feel bad about it.  For me, it's better to think it through and try to understand than to let it go and find that expectations and assumptions are even more off the mark next time.

Brought to you by a day when I was peaceful; then scared, too full and then too empty of adrenalin; and then very lonely for a while.

No perfume was harmed in the production of this post.

Checking in..

We've just returned from our travels. TnS collected anecdotes, experiences and some photos of textile projects now belonging to dear ones interstate. Also a commission and a very beautiful project to finish for my dorter in Perth.

There were adventures, sightings, meals, a fairly major set-back, and much time spent with very good people. Watch this space for details soon.

In the meantime, I am somewhat shocked to report that I acquired NO new textiles of any description during this trip. I even failed to pick up my purrfume samples, waiting in Adelaide for me. No time! However all is not lost, in a short but extremely satisfying trip to the Rockingham Shopping Mall (I think that was the one) I bought two perfumes. And in Adelaide my niece and I managed a most satisfactory birthday perfume shopping expedition for her. We blandished the Myers ladies into freebies for both of us!

All in all a very interesting three weeks. See you again soon!.

More farewells...

I upped stumps and ran off to Adelaide last week, for a family funeral. Goodbye Pip, you were a one-off, an amazing woman and someone I found comfort with at a very dire time. I'm sorry your end was so awful, and I'm glad you are now truly at peace. It's impossible to write about death without using cliches I think. That may well be because the cliches are in fact useful and exact and say what needs to be said the right way.

There was a strong 'clan gathering' element at this funeral - brothers, sisters, extended family and many close friends. Family friends. Memories of shared events and situations. The funeral service was elegant, dignified, and not a mawkish moment to be endured. A simple, heartfelt ceremony of a life and a fond farewell. I held my brother's hand all the way through. He is tall and very useful for being a big comforting bloke at moments like these. I'm not sure who was helping who not to cry!

I spent most of the four days I was away with family members, one after another. And EATING. And DRINKING. My god! so many meals... but when clan gathers, it gathers around tables, and patios, and restaurants. I had one very fine dining experience in a top-end restaurant, where I managed not only to tip over my champagne, but break the glass. I wasn't offered a free refill so I gathered I was paying.. the meals were fabulous but sadly we didn't get to try dessert, because this evening meal was on top of a substantial clan gathering lunch. All I've eaten since my return is a little soup, and a little toast. A few cuppa teas and that's it. Even the fancy cheese I brought home from McClaren Vale (Edith's Cheese, from Woodside, a wonderful creamy/sharp goat's cheese) is on hold for a few days. My trip to this winery region was only short, but very successful. My cuz and I tracked down some rose we wanted, and filled up a few boxes with other things while we were at it. Yesterday M was told by his cardiologist that good quality white wine is the best thing to drink if you have a fluttery heart, so just as well I lashed out on the good stuff for him!

This afternoon I ought to be designing and making borders for my Ramallah quilt. I am so brain-dead I'll be lucky if I can find a pencil and use it the right way up. Class tonight might just be ideas-collecting. I hope for a renaissance but don't expect it ...

Today brought to you by Clarins 'Eau Dynamisante' and not much else.

Long time ago...

.. in a little town called... hang on, that was in December. And now it's, oh gosh, it's practically the end of February and here I am still mulling over the difficulties of making a commitment to even one New Year's rez. Even half a one... dammit, maybe like Cath (hi) I'll just declare that the new year hasn't started yet, not til I'm ready. She only delayed hers by one month; hell, watch me top that!

I've been to the coast and back, and missed the heat in Canberra. Then just a few days here, and we jumped on planes to go to Adelaide for my next visit to the uberdoc. Adelaide had the Most Amazing Heatwave recently, and I was fervently hoping it would be over and nice and cool for me. I got a happy compromise - the first few days were pleasant, only late 20s, but by Tuesday this week it was heating up again. Wednesday was hot enough that at 6pm we sought shade for an evening picnic at the beach. We used the aircon in the motel and the hire car lavishly, and I field-tested a number of iced coffees. The best one was made with cold espresso, ice cubes and milk shaken together, then poured into a chilled glass and topped with genuine coffee gelato and just a little cream. It was FABULOUS. Cool, slightly sweet, and the gelato meant the drink had that icecream feel without any extra richness. I loved it. But the other, more usual iced coffees were all pretty good. I don't really like icecream, but a scoop of vanilla diluted by espresso and milk isn't exactly a problem.

The news from the uberdoc is that my poor old sinuses are 'odoematous' and I need lots of topical steroid to help fix that. You don't want to know how I'm going to achieve this. All I'm prepared to say is to quote some of the paperwork accompanying the meds: 'adopt the Mecca position'; 'remain kneeling for at least 10 minutes'; and 'lie down immediately afterwards' ... preferably 'on retiring for the day'. This means, loosely, that I have to go to bed after I 'do' my nose every evening. M is delighted cos it means I can't go on faffing around after I 'do' the 'doing'. I can fix that. I'll just delay the 'doing' til I've finished faffing.

A good consequence, afaic, would be the return of my sense of smell and taste, which are both quite compromised atm. Can't smell my new gorjussness from the Jo Malone shop on King William Road (Hyde Park darling, only rich useless types shop there). Can't taste the iced coffees properly, or the ro-zay, or the fennel-smoked black pig charcuterie. Couldn't tell if I needed extra showers. Also didn't realise for several hours that the large and expensive bottle of cold-pressed extra virgin McLaren Vale boutique gourmet oil that I knocked onto the concrete floor of a wine cellar-tasting room, was lemon myrtle flavoured. Later in the day I was wondering what the lemon smell was and where it was coming from (I was in a non-lemon-laden car at the time) and eventually realised it was my oil-soaked right canvas shoe. I washed it and washed it, and when dry it was still oily. Now the inner fabric sole has come away. But the colours on the canvas are notably brighter than the left shoe, so I expect I'll have to mix up a cup of good olive oil, seep a packet of dried lemon myrtle in it, and then pour it over the shoe somewhere. Purrhaps I'll do it on the bit of front path which is about to be dug up and removed forever. It could be a sort of farewell anointing of the path for all the years of good use it's had and given as a means of getting to our front door without having to negotiate mud, crud and cats.

I enjoyed spending time with quite large bits of my family - I do appreciate Gerald Durrell's incisive titling of one of his 'remembered youth' books - the 'Other Animals' concept applies most aptly! There are inter-brotherly grouches, partner-pickling, view of the offspring from afar ruminations, and some feedback about and to me, about and to me. All very entertaining and mostly not a worry. My fave three things were: dinner with bro #3 and his sweetie. They're on a diet. He cheats. She scolds which makes him smile a lot. Heh. Next? - dinner with bro #2 and his family. Sitting on their new couches after dinner fixing the world while youngest dorter made a play for a late night while falling asleep on my feet. And finally: speaking to my mother about a problem and hearing her response - "I'm gonna come over there and beat them up. How DARE they say that to my favourite dorter???'. She's only GOT one. Bro #3 complained that it's not fair and he wants to be a favourite dorter too. Oh sigh...!

Other good Adelaide things were the funny little car we hired - a Renault Megane. You use a sort of credit card thingie instead of a key, to open/shut things, and turn on/off the engine. A bit tricky til you get used to it. And it's another small black thing to easily lose amongst books and papers. How do I know that??? And driving in a very very right-angled city. All NSEW easily identified, not to mention being able to SEE where you are - between the hills and the sea, duh.

The regional gourmet/specialty shopping of edibles and drinkables. We sent home two boxes of wine, and collected another of other things like oil (yes, see above for why we guiltily bought so much of this!), vinegars, chutneys and sauces. We had an excellent picnic of cheeses, dried meats, amazing dried fruit (pears par-dried with vanilla beans, YUM). A soft cheese, very sheepy, wrapped in prosciutto - we ate it cold but this can be put in a hot oven for 7 minutes to crisp the meat and soften the cheese. I imagine it would be damn luscious spread on some springy bread. Barossa grapes all over the shops, and small dark figs. Really excellent tomatoes even from supermarkets. And plenty of splendid plonk. I found a great bottle for bro #2 - he has a frog 'theme' (no I can't explain why, any more than I can explain why *I* have a watermelon theme) - 'Arrogant Frog' Merlot named 'Ribet Red'. Heheheheheheh...

I almost had a swim twice, but both times refrained because it was SO hot that the amount of Factor 30 needed was just too hard. I survived discovering (on the day) that the appt. with the uberdoc was indeed for 11.30 on the 18th - of MARCH. A booking mix-up which we didn't identify cos of course February has a Wednesday 18th as well. But no drama, we got in anyway. They wouldn't turn us away once we said, lip a'tremble, but but we came over from Canberra. Ahem. Not sure I can blame myself entirely for this one, but I do wonder..

Little cat here in the window says 'let me outoutoutOUT!!!l' there is buffaloes to biff and heffalumps to hunt and sweet night air to whisk my whiskers'. Natch. She can swish her tail all she likes, cats are IN at night and that's that. Oh god, now she's attempting to claw down the fly screen. I shall depart.

... leaving a trail, I hope, of Jo Malone 'Dark Amber and Ginger'. Sounds like dessert! Try it and see. Do you find yourself reaching for a spoon and some cream to schloop it all over your chest? Then maybe it's not for you.. unless you start wearing chocolate t-shirts, anyway.

Adelaide: the story

I spent a lot of time with friends and relatives. All of them so delighted to meet my darling dorter, who has never been to Adelaide before. One aunt who was even slightly teary! And darling dorter had a good time meeting people, playing with the kids, having excellent champagnes and wines and of course lovely tucker... on Saturday was a picnic for the extended family, to celebrate a visit from my brother's daughter, who lives in Germany. She was the life of the party, with her sparky smile and her glowing auburn hair. My DD a close second with her voluptuously-red lipstick, her black hair flowing down to her hips, and a fabulous 50s dress with a cowl collar framing her sweet face. Okay, so I'm biased about how beautiful they both are. But they are!

My time with family was more complicated, with various challenges and woes in the families needing discussion. Families are indeed complex beasts. This being a public document, I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that these problems arise from people who love each other trying very hard to deal with complex and delicate emotional issues about their dear ones. I came home feeling rather shocked by the amount of unhappiness and worry I'd seen... but also glad that in some cases I'd been able to help a bit, perhaps, by listening and trying to understand. Even my DD is going through a challenging period of self-questioning and feeling very unsettled. My main hope for all of them/us is that the huge amounts of love and caring will overtake the unhappiness and life will look rosier for everyone very soon.

Somehow in all of this my visit to the uberdoc, the main purpose of my visit, seemed very trivial! But it is wonderful to have such good news from him, that my sinuses are healing and being healthy and looking like they might now start being 'normal' for longer periods. It's been a worry to me that I've had to take a lot of courses of oral steroids this year - I don't really want to end up with osteoporosis all through my body. Enough with limitations I say. I have a dodgy nose, a dodgy back, and a general lack of fitness which slows me down too much. I can work around the dodgy back more easily than the nose stuff, but I am too young to fall into a wheelchair of sloth and turpitude just yet. Most days...

And now it is more than a week since I got home, and somehow time is on high-warp speed towards the dreaded Festive Event, and although I have done lots of things I feel late for everything. But underneath this is a constant, happy little voice going 'wow, my sinuses are ok!'. That's a DAMN fine feeling.

The last five days brought to you, in this order: Trussardi 'Inside', lots and lots of Chopard's 'Wish' (cos my darling dorter needs extra wishes right now), Gucci 'Gucci', Chanel No.5 'Huile Sensual', and for a Tiki party last night, Christian Dior's 'Diorissimo', cos it is a classic 50s scent. For the record, the rest of my outfit was beehive hair , turquoise eyeshadow (shudder), a very VERY loud Hawaiian shirt and capri pants. I nearly wore kitten heels but at the last minute I defaulted to thongs and a very daggy old straw hat. Everyone else looked far more elegant, especially the real women in 50s shirwaist dresses and heels. What do I mean by a real woman? Well, a real one. Not a skinny, spray-tanned bottle blonde with Botox for a face. Curves, undulations and no bones at all. REAL!!

Adelaide: the facts

I spent a very busy week with rellos and friends. I walked on the beach, ate and drank far too much, and patted a lot of excellent cats. The visit to the uber-doc was successful in that he pronounced my sinuses 'as good as they've ever been', and has suggested a change in meds which will be easier, in the long term, for me to manage. This change also means I won't be afflicted by the long-term side effects of taking oral steroids all the time. I was delighted with this news, even though he also wants me to see him more frequently for a while, so I must save up some more air fares for mid-February, the hottest time in the old home city.

The shopping was pretty good - a mixture of serious retail therapy (Jo Malone skin and home products, very top range!), and the wonders of Nadia's House of Serendipity in Glenelg, which is a very good second-hand clothing store. Not an op-shop! It was my great pleasure to take my darling dorter there and watch her rummaging happily amongst the goodies and trying things on. I found a screamingly loud Hawaiian shirt for an upcoming Tiki party... it was a good lot of loot we came away with.

I am totally exhausted now, what with a wave of phone calls on the last day, about a complex situation in one of the family trees. I am totally thankfully glad to be home with my catties and no plans to fulfill until I feel like turning the world back on.

Yesterday brought to you by Jo Malone Parma Violet room spray, a heavenly beautifully balanced scent which brings a garden of posies into your boudoir.

Freiburg bliss, Saturday Sept 20th

mHello bloggie,

Yes I’ve been remiss the last few days. What with the extra resting, to help the asthma settle, and the wonderful happy hours we’ve spent with the family, there’s been no time for mere computers. But now we’ve established a pattern of sorts, and here’s what’s doin’...

You’ve read about our arrival. A huge success. The second day we slept in, then went to spent the rest of the day with our dear ones, as they each came home from school or choir or went out to a meeting or whatever. All WE did was sit around being delighted and drinking coffee and listening to our washing going around in the washing machine. Fabulous. We may even have gone for a walk.. a totter in my case.

Next day we went to the doctor for me, to get some more steroids and have a check up. Frau Mendle has got quite a file of our family in her practice, cos me mum’s been to see her too, in previous visits! The doc decided to do some blood tests, to check MY potassium levels, and blood count, and also to see what indicator there might be of infection. She topped me up with nice drugs, confirmed that my blood pressure was still nice and low, and off we went. Easy. I’ll see her again on Monday for the blood test results and anything that might come out of that. I’m not feeling much better as to sinuses, but the asthma has calmed down a lot. I made the mistake of having some wine last night and that caused some problems today, so off ze grog again, sigh, for now.

I went shopping with sis and elder niece in the afternoon, to buy some warm clothes for M. We found just the right thing in the first shop they took me to, skivvies and a good wool and cashmere jumper. Purrfect. I tried to find something for myself, but I felt awfully shy shopping with others, and I easily purrsuaded them it was time for coffee instead! Then we had to get home so I could prepare the dinner - roast lamb. Nom.

It turned out very well, even tho it was served more than an hour late, cos me sis had two close girlfriends drop in around 8pm when the food was ready. Much hilarity, wine and chatter ensued, and I thought what the hell, turned everything down, and we just got stuck into family stories and learning about the friends and their trip to Italy recently, and all that jazz. Finally at 9.30 M kind of said, faintly, ‘are we going to eat?’ and we retrieved the dinner. I think in some ways letting the roast meat and veg sit in a very slow oven (only 50C) for a while had done it good - the lamb was sweet and very tender (I cooked it very simply in oil and lemon); the potatoes had become crisp wedges (not burnt), as had the carrots; the onions were more or less melted; so the only slight casualty was the boiled brussel sprouts which were definitely over-cooked. But it didn’t matter a jot, and those of us who remained had a beautiful dinner. And OH how I enjoyed cooking it! And loading up the dishwasher, using the microwave, using the washing machine and dryer (it’s all in the kitchen, continental style). Made me feel very at home. We stumbled, replete, relaxed and full of girlie hugs, back to the motel after 11pm. Ahhhh, this is better. M’s new jumper is a hit, a good colour and a good fit and warmer than his old one. We slept so well.

This morning was another matter, the princess corpse rose after midday and although M went out valiantly TWICE to try to get me coffee (the motel brekkie finishes at 10am), no go. He went over to the family, leaving me saying “I won’t be long”. Huh. By the time the little pink pill had propurrly set in and I’d had a shower and stuffed around it was nearly 4pm! Yikes. But that didn’t matter either, the others were having a blobby Saturday, so I just turned up, drank several buckets of coffee, and then it was time for a quick meal and off to a Commedia Del’Arte performance at the Castle in nearby Bad Krozingen. Four of us went - us, sis and younger niece. It was such a good evening, with quartet of two violins, cello and harpsichord/mini-organ, and two purrformers using masks and the minimum of props and choreography to tell a broadly humorous tale of mis-placed loyalties and love. Of course there was a happy ending! Of course there was silliness and the old two-door/cross-dressing character gag. I loved it. Sis brought marzipan to eat to keep the digestives wolves from the door, and at interval we had wine and good bread. All most satisfactory. I may not be able to tell you of dozens of trips to tourist sites and accounts of exhibitions or repeat museum history lectures, but BOY the music and entertainment has been wonderful in the last few weeks.

Tomorrow is another very special day - our cousin Sarah is travelling here from Basel to spend the day with us. We will meet her at the Freiburg Cathedral, where the nieces are singing Mozart’s “Sparrow Mass” during the service. Then we’ll have the afternoon with Sarah to catch up on tons of family news (her elder daughter is getting married next week, for a start!), and go for another walk in one of the parks around here. I expect it to be a chatterfest all day.

Monday is even planned - M is going away to Heldelberg for 36 hours on his own. He lived there when he was 17 with his family, and wants to make another sentimental journey there. Last Europe trip we spent a week there, it’s a lovely place. It was the site of one of our magical journey experiences, when we were walking down from the Schloss on the top of the hill overlooking the town. It was Sunday evening in a golden late summer light; and all the churches began to ring for their 6 o’clock services. The bells floated up to us through the forest where we walked... as I said, magical. MY fate this Monday is more earthly - I’ll see the doc again, find a WiFi point so I can bring blog and email and such up to date, and then I must (presses hand to brow) shop again. You’ll find out why.

For now, I am going to sign off while I can still hear the cello continuo from the baroque music (Corelli etc) tonight, and hope that tomorrow my nose behaves itself in the sight of god, Sarah and the angelic choir.

Today brought to you by coffee. Coffee. And.... COFFEE.

Random notes and Freiburg Part #1

[Here are some of my aide memoires; ready to have details filled in when I get the urge. At least you'll know I've not totally forgetten some fairly important bits!]

Helsinki, last day
M was feeling quite off - he thought probably culture-shock, tiredness, fedupofcrookwifeness, and maybe a touch of the blues. We could see over the road there was a shopping centre of some kind, and a sign saying Cultural Museum, so we went to have a look. First things first, let’s have (at 4pm) lunch. ... a waitress spilled an entire cup of coffee down M’s only-just-drycleaned jacket... he went ballistic, but I got a free brownie. We then inspected two modern collections (not bad, altho I got into trouble for taking photos, oops).. walk back to hotel and begin major packing opurrations, ready to go by train to St P tomorrow..


St Petersburg - the anarchist canal boat guide deserves his own entry, and dear blog, one day, ONE DAY it will come!

Riga
Two walking tours; the food; music in streets everywhere, the two concerts (both premieres; the fierce lady who berated us (to no effect!), saxophones in purrticular, the watermelon painting in the hotel; note to Austra about how much we love it here, barely even touching the surface and it’s so appealing... the ‘demo’ for opening of new uni year; seeing the previous Prez, famous woman prez who taught in Canada for 20 years before being ‘recruited’ back to Latvia to rule very successfully for ? 8 years..

the Dada cafe...the wonderful soups and the blessing of no smoking inside...

Bus to Vilnius tomorrow - only one full day and we have already decided that our two main ventures will be to the post office, then a walking tour. And, for me, a proper Web fix, so I can add to T n S; write to ppls, check dosh, etc etc.

M changes his mind on Wed morning and says no posting til Krakow - oh yes?? we’re back to 9 pieces of luggage and I think a spot of posting would be VERY useful..

more detail on Chopin concert and Raoul Wallenburg opera.. and quote the young English lad from the train today, who said to someone on his mobble that ‘we went to ‘Orshwitss, it was kinda wow’’... and why *I* didn’t go, OR to the Salt Mine. and some further reflections on the way we feel we’re being petulant about the difference in things which seems to annoy us so much, even tho it’s part and parcel of travelling.. my view is that we are essentially HOME ppl, and the places we stay at need to meet some aspects of HOME to make us feel relaxed and welcome. and the step up into bathrooms IS a bloody nuisance and a hazard, as are bloody sharp bed-edges in too-small rooms where one has to eel one’s way around everything, even a norty bad red shoe lying provocatively 4 inches way from its mate and just begging to be tripped over.. and the endless annoyance and/or cost of laundry. a super-ripoff opportunity which is milked to the max, everywhere. how many travel plugs can a girl make room for? they’d have to take up space usually reserved for precious and far more important unguents.


Riga walking tour redux; anarchy on the St Petersburg canal-waves.., some more remarks on Vilnius and Krakow.. thoughts, also, about the concertomania we may be indulging in, in Berlinsk.

Berlin, Monday Sept 15th - 11kg just sent off from Berlin post office - two boxes, one large, one medium large; containing amongst many papers and books, two wooden cats, two ceramic apples, a ceramic and glass cat or 2, a ditto angel, and the Sonato mug set. all wrapped in a mile of bubble wrap and brown duck tape. I hope and pray and wish and hopehopehope that all the breakable things make it back to Oz in the amount of pieces they started with.

I’ve been to a good doc; heard that M’s liver enzyme levels are now entirely normal, as is his blood count, bp and pulse rate. The blood test showed he’s suffering some sort of allergy - maybe a hayfever? He’s not been aware of anything, altho sneezing a bit, so that’s ok. Doc told me I looked sick; gave me antibiotics without a qualm OR a lecture (unlike Helsinki doc who visibly shuddered when I mentioned various uber-doc meds, that was rather upsetting..). also topped up my valium for my ‘back’ (I can’t tell you, half the time, whether I take it for my back or for the rest of me, psyche to the forefront..). then we walked a thousand miles to the post office and spent a thousand hours wrapping things in more bubble wrap and duck tape than you’ve ever seen. Now a taxi* to the Bauhaus, where we shall have lunch before a quick-ish look around. Then home to pack, ready for a bus to Freiburg tomorrow, arriving at 5pm.

*The taxi driver took off at a speed we’ve previously only identified with Rome.. he was making and taking calls on his mobile.. this is common, however illegal. He took us quickly to a high-rise filled street, with a huge window-fronted business with ‘BAUHAUS’ all over the glass... we wandered in a puzzled way towards it; this looks more Grace Bros than Gropius.. as we get closer we can see that the small print says ‘House and Home Wares’. Oh. Not THAT kind of Bauhaus. The driver is watching us, and as we turn back towards him he asks what the trouble is. M explains, again, that we want the ART MUSEUM BAUHOUS. He looks quite puzzled, and has to make a couple of radio calls, then at last says ‘ok ok get in’. We do, looking at each other. He charges off at high speed to a wider highway with median strip area of big business. We’re not too sure, but he’s got the bit between his teeth, and when he screeches to a halt next to a KPMG high-rise, I’m getting that ‘oh sure, we’re having and adventure’ feeling. He does two u-turns (“it’s not a trip without a u-ey” my father always says) and we end up at the same place. All this done at high speed amidst much beeping and swerving - of the other traffic. Then, nothing loathe, he turns down a walkway!!! and creeps along, looking at the highly unlikely surrounds of a small park and some fairly domestic or back of cafe buildings. Then he comes to another side street. We’re not allowed out; he calls again on the radio and this time, as he explains afterwards, he gets a woman. She gives him another address and he’s happy now, ‘oh yah, yah’ and screeches off the walkway and does a hasty u-turn onto the street. About 3 metres along, he stamps on the brakes. As we rub our foreheads from their rapid onset head-rest therapy, ‘Das is est!’ he proudly declares. Right. We hand over more Euros (he kindly deducted the second flag-fall) and head into the nearest big gateway. This still looks wrong, but I hear a beep and a despairing ‘lady! lady!’ and look back - he’s gesturing to us to go the other way, and sure enough, around a few bushes we find it, the actual Bauhaus Art Museum. Wonders.

Naturally after all the posting and walking around in the cold and then high-speed taxi shenanigans, we head straight for the cafe. The service is marginally faster than the speed of erosion, but eventually we get our baguettes and coffees. I’m flaked out by now, and M not far behind. But Berlin has been difficult for us; we haven’t got to see very much (although I must say that if all we’d seen were the two concerts, I’d be very happy). We spend a gob-smacking hour walking the exhibition, seeing familiar designs and objects, and reminding me of some of the long-lost art classes I had at my extremely ordinary high school. I recognise more than I’d expected. I was particularly delighted at the shop, where I saw ‘Stickles’, a toy from my childhood - notched coloured circles which interlocked into 3 dimensional shapes. I enjoyed seeing the cutting edge Bauhaus teasets and office chairs - these styles are as fresh and practical today as they were extreme modern minimalism in their day. Wonderful. M encourages me to buy something, but the only things I really want are all too impractical to carry with us - ceramic, glass, large... I do LUST after the vases, which are square or rectangular blocks of glass, with a vase shape carved inside them and given a frosted finish. Completely impractical - heavy, breakable, expensive and foolish. DAMN.

We went back on the bus, had a quick dinner, and then packed furiously, ready for an early start to take the train to Freiburg, where I am looking forward so much to seeing my family.

During the night I suffer two severe asthma attacks - they’ve been on the increase for a week or so.. in the morning I drag myself out of bed, sweating and shaking. I try going through the usual ‘there, there, you’ll survive’ morning routine - shower, unguents, coffee... but I nearly collapse in the shower, I’m so hot (and yes, I did turn the water temp down to nearly goosebump levels); I can’t face the coffee for fear of nausea; I try to put on some clothes and my hands are shaking.. at this point I have to say to M that I don’t think I can make it. We indulge in a bit of swearing, crying and hand-holding, then he shapes up in his usual uber-wonderful way and begins to be very practical about what must be done.

I take a bucket of oral steroids - my only alternative at this stage. I *could* ring an ambulance; or try to see the doctor, but the thought of negotiating the medical system in a foreign country (and in spite of our unnecessary fears in Russa) is simply too much, I ache to just lie down and shut my eyes. And shake quietly to myself with a teddy bear nearby.

M speaks immediately to the hotel ppl and they quickly confirm we can keep the room. Then when he is certain that I’m stable for now, and don’t want him to try to get onto the doc, he goes to the nearest big train station (at the Zoo, if you want to know) and for a very small fee, only a few euros, is able to transfer our tickets to tomorrow’s train. Phew. He’s back quicky, with today’s English papers. I’m out to it, I vaguely hear the door open, next thing I know it’s three hours later and I’m awake looking for a puffer and thanking the goddesses that I can stay quietly, safely and near medical help if I need it. I nearly made it onto that train, what finished me off was the fear of having a huge attack while travelling and having NO help to hand, and my only option being to get off at some random town/city and go through the exhausting business of hospital/doctor/hotel etc etc. Not a happy thought.

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I’m writing this bit on Wednesday, on the train, having benefitted enormously from the rest and the onset of the drugs. I’ll still have to take it quietly, and see a doc in Freiburg, but there we have the advantage of knowing that my sis-in-law has a good doc - we saw her last time when I’d hurt my back - and generally being in the bosom of the family and with native speakers who know the ‘system’. Saves a LOT of time, that does.

M also benefitted from the rest yesterday - after he’d returned from fixing the tickets he slept as well, saying he’d needed to catch up. So there was a silver lining. We even tottered out, just across the road to the good Italian restaurant, knowing that I could get ‘safe’ food - ie food that wouldn’t have crunchy bits or chilli or rice, these being things which can catch in my throat and set off more koffing. M said I was just trying to even up the odds, after his Russian drama. Huh. I have NO desire to spend 5 days in hospital anywhere, thank you. I’ve done quite enough of THAT!

I *have* wondered if we were foolish to take on this trip. The triumph (or blindness) of hope over experience. And I have also wondered if we should keep going, especially in the last three weeks. It’s been hard yakka, first with M’s illness and recovery; then my gradual descent into throat virus/sinus/asthma problems. I don’t have an easy answer - at what point does one give up? Not just give up the money, but the people; the places; the hopes and expectations; the unexpected excitements and the unpredictable events... I guess if M’s Russian doktors had said ‘ze liver she is shotsky’ we might have pulled the plug and retreated to excellent Australian medical care. Ditto if I ended up in a similar state and a white-coat pointed out that asthma stressors riddled our proposed pathway.. for now, we’ll carry on, and I expect we’ll finish. We’ve made it (in half an hour) to family territory. From here we can get back to Helsinki easily, no more long train trips. The only part I could happily ditch is the 5 days in Seoul, staying instead one night, then flying on through another overnight stop in HK and thence to Sydney. I predict crying when we land there.

Let’s hope Seoul is spiffy enough to cause some excitement. Let’s hope Seoul has some fabric! I have totally failed to find textiles of practically any kind, unless you all want shawls. The end of summer fashions sales are at full pitch, but high end designer duds are not what I see my friends and family wearing. Unless you are all secretly decked out in Stella and Chanel and YSL and I just think you’ve done the ironing for once...

I gotta go, it’s almost time to start heaving luggage down from the racks and lining up at the door to leap off - we have a whole 2 minutes to de-train in Freiburg before this extremely nice new and well-staffed German train departs. We enjoyed the dining-car - full service! The only train trip where we’ve had such a thing; the rest of the trains have only had a sort of kiosk, sometimes with no tables and chairs.

Fleeing..

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9:21pm, Freiburg, safe and delighted in the bosom of the family.

We arrived, de-trained easily, and were met by three beautiful women - my sis-in-law (my OTHER sis-in-law, who is easily as lovely) - and two of her daughters; the eldest who is 16 going on 21 and gorgeous and elegant and unspoiled, and her youngest daughter, who is therefore (counts on fingers.... ) nearly 13, ah yes, she told me we’re missing her birthday by only a few days. She is still round-faced and goofy and is SO like her daddy (MY youngest brother, got that?). We had a rousing family dinner, special south German food - spaetzle with onions, schnitzel, salad, and then apple and plum strudel. NOM. All home-cooked and such a welcome change from restaurant food. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve eaten plenty of really wonderful things (and, that reminds me, the blog is overdue for a food run-down, I’ll get onto that), but nothing beats real food.

Now I am exhausted, slightly wheezy, incredibly thankful for the quick effect of the steroids which is the only reason I’ve been able to make this trip today. And in the hands of some pretty special peoples. I said over dinner something I’ve not wanted to mention, although purrhaps it’s been obvious to you readers out there? - if we hadn’t been coming to see our family, I think I would have said to Michael after Riga - let’s just go home. Just STOP with all this half-alive, worried about poor health, too tired to enjoy things, fed up with different languages, etc etc. - all the things which should make travelling worth it have been making think it’s not enough, because of my dang busted body. So.

Today brought to you by ICE (Inter-City-Express), a wonderful husband who knows just when to say the encouraging things, and my dear German family. There’s a bit of ‘Enjoy’ in there but it can hardly compete with such earthly ravishments.

Thursday 18th September

Oh my oh my oh my... the BEST day. Slept in, read books, went up to the family for a late lunch and stayed until now (10.30pm). Talked, drank buckets of coffee, went for a long walk, more walking, hugging girlies and teasing girlies and watching tv and drinking more coffee and singing and eating and making plans.... bliss. Just... BLISS. No hunter-gathering, no organising, no timetables or taxis or decisions.

And! the plans we have are all for ordinary things - going out to buy nice things for me to cook tomorrow night, sorting out a concert for Saturday night, going on Sunday to Mass to hear the girlies sing with their choir; my cousin Sarah coming from Basel for the day. We’ll definitely stay an extra day here, therefore reducing our planned time in Frankfurt from 2 days to one. Easy. Wonderful. A very fine way to finish our holiday on a high, oh such a lovely high note, and face the business of getting home. This is better. We must remember this for our next trip - if our shares don’t plummet in value and all the airlines in the world stop flying and we can’t sail cos they got no fuel either and no-one can row that far...

We’ll see.

Today brought to you by Fair Trade coffee, eau-de-gorgeousgirls, and a little bit of Gucci just for fun.

Just a note..

We're in Frankfurt, two hours by train from Freiburg. Very sad having to farewell our dear ones last night. ...

Yesterday M and I did the biggest post you ever saw, 15kg!! Then went shopping for gifts for everyone (purrfume all round, heh); then to his ... his ... somewhat helplessly doomed look of marital understanding, I went to the fabric shop I'd noticed on Monday.

You know how you post things home so you have more room in your suitcase for the rest of your travels? Well, doesn't EVERYONE darling travel with metres of silk velvet and a bit of genuine Italian designer brand Missoni plaid in their cases????

Tomorrow this all gets flown to Helsinki, where another post office is in my immediate future! M won't let me near a shop I think. Heh. I'm VERY happy I finally found some fabric, I did see a wool shop too but I just couldn't do it to him, after my fabric fix took 45 mins (there be some very argumentative German wimmins out there not deciding about their fabrics...).

Seoul on Saturday. Wow!!! And, once again, thanks for the good wishes and encouragement from you lot, you lot know who you lot are.

Today brought to you by 'Magnifique'. When I finally upload my stuff from the lappie, you'll see why. Oh, and it´s BLISSFULLY COOL....